The Manual
by Canadian Erect Mountie
Summary: When Romano read "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE RECEIVED AN EMILY HARRISON UNIT!" and her accompanying manual, he knew he was in deep shit. And yet he still opened his new unit, in hopes of abating his crushing loneliness, and she sure did brighten things up. Request manual fic based on Lolllidictator's manuals for Applepie2424. USUK PruCan RoChu RomanoXOC-only one OC, I swear.
1. The Delivery

**A/N: Request fic for Applepie2424. Will be multi-chapter. I still accept requests.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. Thanks to my friend Aida for beta'ing/ Lol Aida the beta =w=**

Romano huffed in irritation. He couldn't get this damn cell phone to work and he needed a ride to the meeting. There was a sudden knock on his door. "Hold on, bastardo." he muttered to whoever was on the other side, furrowing his brow in concentration. He glared at the sleek little device in his hand and threw it to the ground in frustration when the person at the door knocked again. Perhaps it was Veneziano- they had a twin-sense thing, although it had been getting weaker in recent years. Romano wondered why.

He yanked open the door, a "Took you long enough, idiot," on his lips when he stopped short. This man at his door was not his fratellino, nor was it the potato-sucker. It was that stupid tomato bastard.

He narrowed his eyes, instantly defensive. "Why are you here?" he snapped. Spain just grinned that stupid little shit-eating grin and laughed that stupid annoying laugh of his. "Oh, Roma, you don't need to act so happy to see me!" he said, letting himself in. There was a bag in his hand with suspiciously red fruits (they were fruits, goddammit!) inside. He was interested but didn't show it.

"I brought you some tomatoes, Lovi~~" sang the Spanish bastard. Romano winced. He couldn't stand the cheeriness practically dripping off him.

"Great. Why are you really here?" he grumbled, following him into his kitchen.

"Well, the meeting was moved to tomorrow, so I figured I'd stop by and say hola!" he said- much too happily again.

"You've said it." said Romano, sitting across from Spain at the table, grabbing a tomato and inspecting it. Damn, that bastard really knew how to take care of the things- it was plump and ripe and absolutely mouthwatering-

"Hey, you okay Roma? You got all spaced out for a second there." Spain said, not really concerned. He bit into a tomato.

"I'm fine!" he snapped. "Just calm down, dammit!"

Spain clicked his tongue and swallowed his portion of tomato. "Watch your mouth, Roma."

"I'll say whatever the fu-"

The doorbell rang again. Romano blinked. "Who the hell is coming over now?" he asked rudely, not caring that Spain probably had no clue either. Not that he'd ever admit it, but two visitors at the same time was a rarity at his house- usually he got one visitor a week, if he was lucky. He lived a lobely life, and he'd go to hell before telling anyone that maybe... just maybe, it would be nice to have someone to stay with him all the time... just no one as obnoxious as his brother or the stupid tomato bastard.

He went to go get the door, telling Spain to stay put, as if he was a dog. If the Spaniard noticed anything he said nothing, too busy with the tomatoes- that he brought Romano, the bastard.

There was a delivery guy with a name tag that read "Josef" on it. He thrust a clipboard at Romano. "Delivery for Romano Vargas." he said, though it came out sounding like "Delivary fo Ramahno Vahgis." The man was probably from Canada or northeast America.

"Yeah, that's me. What is it?" he asked, signing the paper. Josef shrugged and wheeled a large crate into Romano's living room. "Here ya go, bud." he said, before leaving.

"Roma?" Spain poked his stupid head into the living room.

Romano glanced at him and frowned. "I thought I told you to stay in the kitchen, bastard." he said, turning back to the book, which he removed from the crate. Spain disregarded this; if his little tomato really wanted him to stay in the kitchen he would have yelled and thrown a big for over it. He walked up beside the Italian and read over his shoulder.

**CONGRATULATIONS! You have received an EMILY HARRISON unit! Below are directions on how to wake your unit, what modes it comes with, and more!**

"The fuck is this shit?" muttered Romano. Spain was privately thinking the same thing. They read on.

**Waking Your Unit**

**To wake your EMILY, there are a few things you can do:**  
**•Put a pot of dark roast black coffee by the crate. Your unit will both be happy and will like you more.**  
**•Open the crate. Your unit will become angry by doing so, but she will still wake up *not responsible for any injuries caused by EMILY unit***  
**•Play ABBA music. Your unit loves it. *you may want to cover your ears while doing so***

Romano winced. This person sounded so... American. No wonder that Josef guy seemed so... bleh.

**Modes**

**HAPPY- when in this mode, your unit will be polite and pleasant.**  
**ANGRY- You can unlock this mode easily when being irritating. In ANGRY mode, your EMILY unit will be rude and possibly violent.**  
**HYPER- Unlock thjs mode by giving your EMILY unit a lot of sweets. When in this mode, your unit will make odd noises and laugh like a maniac. This is completely normal.**  
**HOMICIDAL- Unlock this mode by being further irritating when unlocking ANGRY. This can also be unlocked after making a HYPER EMILY unit irritated. Stay away from unit and hide any potentially lethal items.**  
**ROMANTIC- Unlock this mode by becoming more and more friendly with your unit, upping your relationship. This has never been unlocked before.**  
**SAD- Unlock this mode by being friends with your EMILY unit and then making fun of her physical limitations. This may result in angry.**  
**DEPRESSED- Unlock this mode when just being plain mean to your EMILY unit.**  
**SMART ASS- This may result after feeding your unit candy. Your EMILY may think she's "clever" and will come up with witty insults or replies.**  
**BORED- This mode isn't easily unlocked and will result in your unit being annoying.**

**Likes coffee, candy, and any food you put in front of her. Especially coffee and tomatoes.**

**Your EMILY unit likes coffee, candy, any fruits, and will eat what you put in front of her.**

"Hmm, she likes tomatoes, huh?"

**Warnings:**

**Your unit will rant about genetics and diseases from time to time. This is completely normal. She will also appear to be insane and this is also a normal sight. Just back away (will have an evil smile when you should do this). Also, do not make your unit wear anything girly. She hates it and don't take away her coffee unless you want your arm amputated. Also, don't leave your unit alone for a long period of time or else she will become depressed and will latch on to you when you return. Have fun with your new EMILY unit! Take good care of her!**

**He wrinkled his nose. She sounded like a lot of work.**

Meanwhile, Spain was ecstatic. His little Roma would finally have a friend! He may seem like an oblivious idiot a lot of the time, but he hadn't forgotten hundreds of years of being around millions of people, being a pirate, fighting in wars- how could he not sense the mood easily and be alive? It was quite obvious Romano was extremely lonely- another factor adding to his surly attitude- and although Spain felt guilty about it, he was really busy these days- being here, now, with his little tomato was bending his boss's strict rules.

It was great- besides, this person might give Romano a run for his money in the grumpy department every now and then.

Spain was so distracted with his own thoughts, he didn't even notice Romano started to play "Dancing Queen."


	2. Bad Roma

**A/N: I'm glad you all like how the fic is coming out so far~ enjoy~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. Thanks to my friend Aida for beta'ing/ Lol Aida the beta =w=**

Spain instantly cringed at the sound of the old music and covered his ears. He howled to Romano, "SHUT IT OFF, ROMA! MY POOR EARS! OH MIOS DIO, POR FAVOR, ROMANO!"

The Italian rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to get the fucker out." He turned the music up louder.

_You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life _  
_See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen _

_Friday night and the lights are low _  
_Looking out for the place to go _  
_Where they play the right music, getting in the swing _  
_You come in to look for a king _  
_Anybody could be that guy _  
_Night is young and the music's high _  
_With a bit of rock music, everything is fine _  
_You're in the mood for a dance _  
_And when you get the chance..._

"GODDAMMIT BASTARD WOULD YOU STOP COMPLAINING? IT'S PROBABLY MAKING HER COME OUT SLOWER!" shouted Romano, close to punching the whimpering Spaniard. He didn't even care that he just said "coming out slower."

"B-but it's awful." groaned Spain. He suddenly had a thought and removed his hands from his ears. "Roma," he said slowly, sitting up, "Why do you have this CD?"

Romano blushed a brilliant red- just like the tomatoes in the kitchen, cooed Spain in his mind- and began spluttering, "What- I- None of you business- WHY ARE YOU SMILING YOU STUPID SPANISH JERK?!"

"Because you look so cute right now, mi pequeño tomate~"

"I AM NOT YOUR TOMATO- MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH CUNTS ASSHOLE SHIT PISS WHORES AND SLUTS-"

"God, you really have a bad potty mouth, don't you?" murmured a voice. Spain and Romano stopped arguing immediately and whipped their heads around to see Emily. She was dancing to the song, which had been long forgotten by now.

She brushed her blonde wavy hair out of her face, dancing with the most outdated moves Romano and Spain had ever seen- not that they hadn't ever danced the same exact moves, but it was like 40 years ago. Her green eyes seemed to flicker in the poor lighting of the room and only then did Spain and Romano notice it had begun to rain outside. She wasn't that tall, only 5'2", but Roma had a feeling if he said anything about it she'd enter angry mode. That was the last thing he wanted to deal with right now.

The song then ended and Emily clapped her hands. She walked up to Spain and Romano. "Okay, which one of you is my owner?" she asked curiously. Spain pointed to Romano, winking at her.

"He is. My name is Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, or Spain." he kissed her hand.

"Ah- nice to meet you, I guess." she wiped her hand on her jeans. "No offense, but it's flu season." she explained.

"I'm Lovino Vargas, South Italy Romano. Call me Romano or Lovino." said Lovino Vargas, South Italy Romano. Emily nodded but didn't shake his hand; he made no move to take hers. They looked at each other for a little while. Spain cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, I'll be going now, my boss is calling me..." neither of them took notice as Spain left.

"Well, I know you have my manual, so you know everything about me. Tell me about yourself." said Emily, sitting down on Romano's couch. He nodded but glanced to the kitchen.

"I have some tomatoes in there, want me to grab some?" he asked, with slightly forced politeness. She nodded.

As Romano went inside the kitchen, he wondered what the hell he was supposed to say to his unit- roommate he didn't know what to call her, was she even a human? Come to think of it, he didn't even remember ordering her! Jerked from his thoughts by the tomatoes, Romano grabbed them and marched back into the living room, placing them unceremoniously on the coffee table.

"Here you go. Now, what do you want to know?" he asked, slightly uncomfortable with her gaze. The fourteen-year-old girl shrugged.

"I don't know. Who is your family? What are your religious beliefs? What do you like to do in your free time? Do you like animals? Anything at all." said Emily.

"Whatever. Um, I have a younger twin brother named Feliciano, or Italy Veneziano. I used to be really religious but lately church seems tedious. Sometimes I'll paint in my free time or write, I suppose. Animals are all smelly and loud and obnoxious, I'll stick to plants, like tomatoes."

He talked for the better portion of an hour, nomming on tomatoes while Emily listened, going "Mmhm." and "Go on." every now and then.

Romano ended with "And I have a question for you. Are you a human?"

She pursed her lips. "No, I'm not a human exactly." When she didn't go on Romano didn't push it. It wasn't any of his business anyway. "Can I have some coffee?" she asked suddenly, a mischievous look in her eye that Romano definitely didn't like.

"Sorry, I don't... have any..." he trailed off, frightened by the murderous look on Emily's face. "Um, we can go and buy some?" he said weakly.

"I want coffee. Now."

"I d-don't have coffee, dammit!"

"Hehe. Than I suggest you run. Fast." she growled, standing up.

Romano couldn't help it. He laughed. A short little girl threatening him for coffee was rather amusing. Her face deflated like a balloon, but he didn't notice. The idea that she could hurt him- it was almost comical! He laughed so hard tears streamed down his face and tears welled up in her eyes too, but tears of hurt. She looked down and sat back on the couch.

**A/N: Oh, Romano, you're so out of character here, and for a good reason, I assure you all... anyways, hope you like this newest edition of The Manual.**


	3. The Laundry Duct

**A/N: Last update until December- thank you everybody for the amazing reviews! ApplePie2424, sorry it is a bit late, I hope you all enjoy it!**

**Dedicated to ApplePie2424. I do not own Hetalia.**

* * *

Romano finally gave up. He had been knocking on his bedroom door for two hours, trying to coax Emily out of it. Why she had run into his bedroom of all places, he didn't know, but he felt... bad, about being mean to her. But the idea had been preposterous, and he told her so. In fact, he said that right after she was about to come out, and for some reason she had gone silent.

'God damn her,' he cussed mentally, sitting in front of the TV. Some self-pity was in order, he decided, even though he had been the one to upset her. This unit was... confusing, to say the least. How on earth was he to do this, be with her? Unlock her modes? Befriend her? He didn't even know if she was human!

Huffing in irritation, Romano was too preoccupied sulking to realize Emily had some downstairs and was craving candy. He did, however, realize she was there when the house seemed like it was vibrating. "HOLY SHIT IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!" he shrieked (not a fucking girly scream, mind you,) and clutched the nearest pillow, covering his head.

Suddenly he heard totally insane laughter come from the kitchen and the vibrating seemed to grow more intense. The Southern Italian curled up in a little ball, eyes wide and terrified. (Not that he'd ever admit it.)

In (floated?) his unit, who had a crazy smile on her face and was laughing creepier than Russia. Romano was petrified. "E-emily?

"H-hhh-heeelllllooooo, RRRRrrrroooooommmaannnnnooo." she giggled. Her whole body was trembling and vibrating so hard he could barely see her. Realizing that no, there was most certainly not an earthquake, he stood up carefully, pillow held tightly in front of himself.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" he shouted, barely able to hear over the blood rushing in his head.

"I-d-dodon't knooww! It's h-h-hyper mode!" she laughed, grabbing the door frame for support. From what Romano could see, her eyes were rolled into her head and her cheeks looked stiff from smiling so much. He then recalled from her manual what, exactly, made her like this.

"Where the fuck did you get candy?" he demanded. He quickly opened the manual, searching frantically. Dammit, where was the "off" switch on this thing? As if sensing his thoughts, his unit broke into another peal of insane laughter, once again freaking out Romano. "Heh heh, nothing can stop me! I had candy! CANDYCANDYCANDYCANDYCANDY!" she laughed, similar to that of a child, and twirled around, knocking over books, the occasional article of clothing, papers, and odd trinkets on display. Romano was secretly trembling but swallowed his nerve.

"H-hey, cut it out now! Or, or, I'll never buy you coffee!" he threatened. She stopped immediately.

Her eyes grew to the size of saucers and her mouth gaped like a fish, and for a second Roma thought she was going to throw up or something. Then suddenly she whispered, "You better get me that coffee, bitch." before collapsing into a heap on the floor. Shocked, all he could do was stand there for a second before it registered in his mind he should probably move her.

Bringing her upstairs in a fireman's lift, Romano was surprised at how light she was. "What a mess she made downstairs," he mumbled. And, further irritated, he dropped her unceremoniously in the guest room bed. About to leave the room, he hesitated, before turning back around and pulling the covers up over Emily's head. He left without a word and got to work cleaning the mess.

He didn't see his unit crack a small smile when he shut the door.

* * *

Later, Romano had visited the grocery store and was making some steak downstairs. Meat wasn't usually his cup of tea (neither was tea) but he decided an American girl should have, well, American food. Who cared if it might have had a little of his... personal touch to it? It's not like he was a professional chef, dammit! That was the stupid frog's job, and his idiot fratello's. (He didn't really hate Italy, he just put on the act for others, to keep his reputation as the tough guy up. [Not that he knew everyone else knew it was only a mask.])

Checking off the grocery list, he noticed on the calendar that he had a world meeting to attend tomorrow. "Well, fuck." he muttered. Could he leave Emily home alone? He consulted the manual.

**Also, don't leave your unit alone for a long period of time or else she will become depressed and will latch on to you when you return.**

He was sort of used to having someone latch onto him, especially Spain, but wouldn't it be awkward for it to be her? Sighing in resignation, he determined it would be better to bring her with him. After all, it wasn't like she was some random mortal.

"What are you so pissed about?" asked a dreadfully familiar voice. Whirling around, Romano was only semi-surprised to see Prussia standing there. He scowled, instantly defensive.

"None of your business, potato bastard number two." he said, turning back to the steak. He hoped Emily didn't mind it well done... what did he care, he cooked it; if she didn't like it, cry him a river! Gilbert casually came into _his_ kitchen and then took a seat at _his_ table. "Ludwig and Feli aren't far behind me, so maybe you ought to make some more of that." he gestured towards the food. Romano felt a vein twitch but instead of turning around to wave the spatula at the albino he merely clenched his fist around it.

"Fan-fucking-tastic. I forgot about that, so now everyone's gonna want to come and bother South Italy, just because they can!" he said darkly, pulling out the cups a little harsher than necessary. Gilbert raised a pale eyebrow.

"'South Italy?'" he questioned. Romano was once again irritated beyond belief. He glared at Gilbert out of the corner of his eyes.

"I'm Italy too, dammit, can't I call myself it?" he groused. Then he added, "If you're just gonna sit there being a lazy ass you could have stayed at home, so set the table." Gilbert rolled his eyes but did so.

The doorbell then rang and before either nation could go to it another voice called, "I'll get it, Romano!" and said nation froze. Gilbert frowned. He turned to Romano and asked, "The fuck is that?"

Meanwhile Emily was answering the door to be met with a blond, stern looking man and another guy clinging to his arm. The second looked almost exactly like Romano, except he was-smiling? She looked at the visitors, confused. "Um, hello, can I help you?" the blond cleared his throat and spoke with a thick accent.

"Hallo, we are here to visit Ro-"

"Ve~ You're pretty, did fratello have you over for a date?" asked the cheerful Roma-lookalike. Emily blinked and then blushed.

"I-um- no, but-"

"Fratellino! Get yours and that stupid potato-sucker's asses in here!" shouted Romano from the kitchen. "And you come too, Emily. I have to introduce you to my ditzy brother and his stupid boyfriend and brother."

The two men seemed quite unfazed by Romano's harsh words and tone and Emily stepped aside so they could come in. The blond one was attacked by a blur of white and shouts of, "WEST! YOU CAME!" Stumbling backwards, 'West' bumped into Emily, who, being quite short, knocked herself into the laundry shoot, falling down the duct with a loud cry of protest.

**A/N: I don't ship Prumano usually but, hey, whatever. And GerIta all the way, baby! It's practically canon! And poor Emily... I hope you don't mind me hurting your character, ApplePie2424 :3**


End file.
